My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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