For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
