I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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