You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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