Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
