maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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