I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
