His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
