I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
