is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
