My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My feet surprised me
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
