It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
