At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
