woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
