I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
