Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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