ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
