Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
