First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And then my night got REAL pukey
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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