if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
