I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
