I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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