Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
my liver is dry heaving
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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