She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
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I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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