I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
