you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
