Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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