I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
