I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
