yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
