Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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