You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
