I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
