So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
