Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
