So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
