I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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