I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
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Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
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Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime