We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
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Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
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You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.