There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
he was CRYING into my vagina
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
