Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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