So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
