Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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