Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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