How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
