Whod you bang
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
