i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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