I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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