your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
