we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
