I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
