Don't make out with my wife yet
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize