i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
