well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
